I don't see the charm of sitting on an old man's lap to get what I want. On any other day of the year outside of Europe this would be considered creepy and would be cause for alarm. OK, maybe I'm just bitter because I'm clearly on Santa's Naughty List this year.
If I believed in sharing my wishes with an old man who would respond with "ho, ho, ho", I'd make them good. I'd have just a few simple requests:
1) I wish that chocolate were a cure for hangovers.
2) I wish that, sober, I could be as witty and clever as I think I am after a couple glasses of wine.
3) I wish I could target weight gain only to my boobs.
4) I wish that karma actually were instant. Only then could I take the high road.
5) I wish that chocolate could regenerate lost brain cells. I know, I'm asking a lot of chocolate but I give it so much love. It needs to love me back.
6) I wish that excessive Type A behaviour were attractive to men.
7) I wish that cellulite were a sign of wisdom, beauty and power.
8) I wish that The Secret actually worked. I have a lofty vision board waiting for realization.
9) I wish I could go back in time to slam someone with the best comeback ever.
10) I wish that a Victoria's Secret bra could have the same effect on me as on a Victoria Secret model.
11) I wish that Oprah or Heather be more responsive to my stalking. Why won't they answer their doorbells? Or their cell phones, work phones, pagers and home phones?
12) I wish that the Twelve Days of Christmas be modernized to a list as logical and reasonable as mine.
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